Ghost Stories
I'm not nice. I snap at Ku when he really doesn't deserve it and all he can do it worry about never wanting to lose me. It's really not fair. I don't know why I have to be vicious. I wish he'd stop worrying about me dying. I think I might have to kill whoever introduced him to House. I think it was Todd. He started getting... slightly ore paranoid about me after he started watching that, then I started... having a certain symptom which I'm not going to mention in case people get upset and which I am going to get checked out... if it continues. So now he's gone from occasionally (three times a month probably), commenting on how he doesn't think he'd survive without me, now going on about it longer about twice a day at the very least. He even phases out when I'm trying to talk to him about something or explain something detailed to think about how he doesn't know what he'd do without me. Today in the car he even asked me to repeat what I'd just said only to phase out a second time thinking about how some people basically curl up into balls of unhappiness when their mates die. The other day he told me he'd probably kill to keep us together. I'm not sure if he's just being Ku or if there's something else going on here. I mean, this is Ku, unless he's messing around with a guy friend he'll never hurt another soul. You could probably punch him in the face and he'd just tell the person they're an ass hole... maybe, if he feels insulted enough. Then he quickly tried to cover his ass by telling me that of course if I tried breaking up with him he wouldn't kill me for that... Thanks Chris.

I have to admit that when I do feel like he's just trying to manipulate me I can shrug it off pretty easily. You might even be able to class me as callous now. I can't say I don't feel anything for him though. I find it hard sometimes getting through the week without a hug here and there, and sometimes I get an overwhelming feeling of just pure happiness when we are holding each other close. But dear god. I can't tell him that I'm probably going to pine to death myself if anything ever happens to him. I like to think of myself as being able to deal with things better than that. Maybe I would just fall apart, of maybe I'd just be very lonely for quite a long time. I am not going to tell him one way or the other because... I dunno. As much of a pessimist as I can be, can't we just think about what we have now? I dunno, maybe I just have a different kind of love? I don't want to be dependent on anyone. I don't like being disappointed. Probably one of my pet peeves probably. But I do love companionship. When he's not around I can survive but he's like a male version of me. I don't feel quite as comfortable with anyone else. I can be naked around him, both literally and emotionally. We don't have to talk. We can sit in the same room doing completely different things with no communication and we're still spending time together. We can talk for hours on the phone and I'll still feel disconnected.

Ku's worried that I'll die and leave him behind, but I think his religious beliefs are strong enough that he'd not commit suicide. I have to admit that I wouldn't really want him to because he might end up being stuck somewhere forever and he'll never be able to see me again. He makes comments about thinking it's best if I go first though so I wont be lonely without him, so I guess he doesn't realize that as a woman, and with my family history, assuming I don't have a heart attack I'm probably going to outlive him by at least a decade and I think if I haven't already I can certainly come to terms with that. But it also means that assuming his beliefs are still the same when we are older, he wont do a double suicide. So he's kinda condemning himself. I don't plan on suicides any time soon but I think that once we are so old there's nothing really left for us it can't really be that bad. Two happy old wrinkly people with arthritis so bad they can't so much as go on romantic walks any more, going to bed in each others arms knowing that whatever is coming next is just another step in their adventures together.

My Gramps collapsed in the street just before Christmas and probably isn't going to get of hospital. He used to like traveling, he'd take long walks all over the country and near by countries. I'm going to make sure Ku and I get to travel. We need to try England, Scotland, Wales, Turkey, Italy, France, Belgium, Germany, India, Venezuela if it's ever safe enough again, Vietnam again, and a bunch of places in the US. That's my list so far.

I think my car is haunted... odd story behind that but the main thing is I was looking around to see if I could find anyone to take a look and see if they can tell me anything, even if it is just that I'm stupid and there is no man in my car. So anyway, I was looking, got side tracked, read something about a German U-Boat called UB65. FUCKED UP SHIT! Not so much what they saw, even so much as the physical events that were linked to the ghost stories and the way the people dealt with the whole thing. So... I'm going to see if I can do some more research, like, a shit load probably because I am now just super curious, and I'm going to try to put it into story form. But rather than just all the inconsistent randoms clippets of info I want to see if I can get accurate, real life details, and put it in story form. I want to know the names of those men,what they looked like, what they ate, what exactly was really scaring them. I mean, was it just their sailor's superstition or was what they saw really that fucked up? There's only been one description I've found so far as to what one of the entities looked like, rather than just the actions (some of which have also been slightly inconsistent looked at person and disappeared vs looked out to sea and disappeared) where the man who died in a horrible explosion had a disfigured face. Now if every time they saw him and his face was burned off that would certainly account for their reactions, but that was only mentioned once in one of the many similar accounts, and right after a bunch of other events with that same ghost was mentioned. Then again it's hard to tell what happened when to who because things get mixed around, and only one account had names, which actually looked like the least credible. If anything the difficulty will at least add a little something to this project for me.

If it ever does get finished... is anyone going to read it? I'm going to try very hard to keep it historically accurate while also keeping it in story for. If I do finish it I think my Grandpa will want to read it at least. He's into historical things at least.