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I'm sorry I'm such a fuck up.   
09:18am 19/12/2007
  This week hasn't gone very well. I first I got knocked out by tripping and falling against a piece of furniature. I was in the living room and most of the family was in the kitchen, within view but no one noticed except Elly who started crying when I didn't respond to her. Evenutualy I got up and then mum made sure I didn't have a concusion when she finaly had time. I'm not going to tell Ku, he doesn't need to worry. Then yesterday mornign I was fixing a small cabinet at work, it fell on me and my fingers got slammed in the door, the bruises aren't too bad but I lost some skin. Elly kissed it better for me and gave me a hug. Last night Saffy saw a cat as I took the trash down with her, she hauled me over and dragged me about three feat, a little while later she pulled me over again but didn't drag me anywhere.

I phoned Jillians boyfriend last night but he didn't respond. I'd phone her but she doesn't seam to want anything to do with me any more. I get fed up with her telling me there's nothing wrong with our friendship but forgetting to hang out with mre, changing plans at the last moment or just not picking up or replying to messages I send. Cameron doesn't reply either. Last time I just left him a message asking for his mum's phone number. I just wanted to talk to her, maybe see if she wanted to see Elly since she's grown quite a lot since last time she saw her. I don't know what I'd done wrong. That's the worst part I think. I mean, I know I've obviously done something for two very close friends to not even give me the benefit of just saying "Look, this isn't going to work, it's over stop making a fool of yourself." I know both of them don't like the idea of hurting someone's fealings but to be honest it hurts more knoing I've fucked up and not knowing how, knowing I'm not wanted but not knowing why. Was it the drugs that made them hate me? Was it when I got depressed and couldn't talk to anyone for months then felt wierd trying to restart relationships with people? Did that hurt their fealings? Make me look like a selfish bitch? Or maybe it isn't my fault, maybe they just made new better friends when they went to college and now they can't see why they ever bothered with a loser like me? Am I too pushy? Too honest/opinionated?

The thing about loosing friends, is it's the same as if they died. You kinda mourn, it's a sad event. But if you don't even know if you've lost them or not, you can't do it properly. It's not final, it's not conclusive. At least if they had the decency to call back and tell me how they really felt I'd be able to let go. Or if they phoned back and said, "Hey, I just wanted to talk, we haven't talked in ages."

A few years ago I sent letters to my friends in Scotland. They had promised that we'd write to each other, that's we would keep the friendships going. I think I wrote about twice to each of those friends. People Icared for and trusted, told secrets to. Not one ever replied. But the sad pathetic thing about me, the most depressing degrading thing I know about myself, is that even though they obviously don't care after all, if any one of them ever got in a tigh spot I'd find a way to go all the way back over there and help them out if they needed it. If Jillian ever needs a shoulder of if Cameron even neads a helping hand, I will be there for them I'll go outof my way for them. If I think I can get to them in time to be of any assistance. That's how fucking pathetic I am. Even if I know they wouldn't do it for me. I know I'm a fuck up, I'm a terrible friend. I don't call, I forget dates, I couldn't remember a birthday if my life depended on it. At least I'm loyal though, that's the one thing I can manage. Though maybe it's not loyalty as much as sharing some of the same DNA as a door mat.

Jillian and Cameron's mum will get visits this weekend. I feal like an idiot, doing it when I know I'm not welcome, but Elly's got presents for them this year. It's ok though. I wont stay long, just long enough to explain what to do with them. There's no point in trying to drag out the humiliation.		  
   

(bite me!)
 
I'm feeling better now.   
02:37pm 19/12/2007
  I got things done today. A few things were pretty overdue, putting prices up for the yarns officialy. I had to correct them too since apparently I severly overcharged for one and undercharged for all the others. I ordered new business cards and a few other things the business really needs. I need to find the adresses of a bunch of customers we've already had in. This is going to take a bit of research. Maybe I can spend my evenings doing that for a few days. God knows I wont be able to get it done if I have Elly and Peter around. I sorted Jillian's present out, and even wrote down the instructions... vauge and kinda... unorganised though they might be. I need a bit of practice doing things like that, but I'm hoping she'll get the gist. If not I can show her, or explain. Elly got something for Todd too though I dunno how much he'll like it. I just kinda thought maybe it'd be handy for when he has to travel. Actualy I need to get one for Ku too. I actualy meant to but I forgot at the time. He might have to wait till after Christmas though. Mrs Dennis is getting something English. I really don't know what kinda stuff she likes, I thought maybe something foreign might be interesting at least.

Elly's throwing a tantrum right now. It's ok though. It's slowly turned from me not having a good day or two to her having a shitty day. So I know how she feals and when we get home in a few minutes she can have a nap and get a fresh start for this evening.

I know a lot of problems are just a point of view, perception, etc. I can change how things are just by not letting shit bother me. I know I have some very good friends still. People who may not always be there because lets face it; shit happens. But who will be there for quite a while to come.

I am grateful... when I remember to be.

Thank you.		  
   

(bite me!)
 
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